20 Aug

Satire Archives



Pirates of the administrationIf I Robbed Him An exclusive excerpt from O.J.’s next book.
by Ooh Papi, Entertainment Writer, Playahata Times

Determined not to be upstaged by the Goldman family’s publication of If I Did It, O.J. Simpson’s “hypothetical” memoir of wife-beating and double homicide, Simpson announced today that HarperCollins, a unit of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp., will publish a sequel, If I Robbed Him: That Son-Of-A-Bitch Is Lucky To Be Alive After He Stole My Damn Souvenirs.

On the day of publication, Simpson will be interviewed about the book on Fox News by L. Gordon Crovitz, publisher of the Wall Street Journal, prefatory to the book’s serialization in the Far Eastern Economic Review. In a unique compensation arrangement, News Corp. has contracted with the German/Russian firm Eurockot to launch into outer space 5 million Swiss francs plus two pairs of John Lobb elephant-skin golf shoes in size 12 (if the shoe doesn’t fit, someone’s lip will get split). The rocket will carry O.J.’s book advance to the Andromeda galaxy, where it will be stored in a black hole that is believed to lie outside the jurisdiction of the $33.5 million civil judgment against Simpson in 1997.

Slate has been leaked an advance copy of the manuscript. An excerpt appears below.
A lot of people think they know what went down in that Las Vegas hotel room. Well, they don’t know. I’ve seen the evidence. I’ve listened to the audiotape. I’ve posed for the mug shot. I’ve negotiated the deal for the HBO docudrama. And of course, I’ve heard all the theories.


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