On June 23 of 2003 I had just made the kids some breakfast and then I decided to read my newspaper while they ate. While I was reading the USA Today, I came across the headline "New Research" Shatters Myth About Domestic Abuse. My heart dropped because instinctively I knew what the article would entail and reveal

I knew immediately that ladies, our secret is out. I knew one day, "statistics" would confirm what I already believed, which is that women too could be the aggressors in domestic violence situations. Ladies you know, we can get pretty fly with our hand and our mouths. Now I'm not talking about all females but those of us who have engaged in this type of behavior know who we are. We know that we have been known to "knock a man upside his head" or "slap the taste out of his mouth" or just swing on him especially in a situation in which we feel helpless or like we have been wronged in some way. It is at these moments that we lose sight of the fact that if a fight were to break out as a result of our physical aggression, that we would certainly lose that fight against a man. In-fact, if you have ever attempted to hit a man out of anger and he struck you back, you realize real quick that he could whoop your ass and there wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it, but call the police. You realize the meaning of "weaker sex" and its relevancy. I think we got it phucked up because of the old movies and boys being taught not to hit girls. Movies in which the heroine would slap the shit out of her leading man, but I've also seen some funny movies in which she was immediately slapped back and that shit was hilarious! The look of astonishment was classic.

Unfortunately, we "girls" weren't taught not to hit boys. Males are constantly taught to suppress their anger and physical aggression but what if a woman crosses the line? It is good if the assaulted man can walk away or is willing to. In situations where a woman "runs up" on a man he usually reacts physically by restraining her. Now ladies, I'm not condoning abuse because it does happen but as women we also have to take responsibility that if we slap, hit, kick, punch, scratch, or bite a man - that also constitutes abuse and/or assault. We are also quick to call the police on a man for hitting us but how many men have had us hauled away in the back of a patrol car for hitting him? It's considered a punk move for a man to call the police on a woman, especially in the black community. I'm being brutally honest here ladies and this is an especially difficult piece for me to write because I too, have hit men in my life. I mean physically, have run up on them as if I could whoop their asses and I am only 5"1"! I thank God that they had the presence of mind to restrain my little hot tempered ass and not just go to kicking my ass like the man that I presented myself to be. At the time, my height and physical limitations did not enter my mind, I assumed that they would just stand there and take my ass whooping and allow me to walk away while they lay in a rumpled heap on the ground, carpet, or wherever we happened to be. Now I know some of you ladies will write me about how "ghetto" this type of behavior is and how you may not do this or may have never done that. But I don't care how highly educated you are, your family background, the amount of money that you make, or how cute you are - if you love someone enough - they have the power to make you lose it. They know which button to push to make you forget your degrees, social standing, and your manners. Physical aggression may only seem like a "ghetto thing" but this type of behavior is seen in all levels of society although levels of "female aggression" seem to be present in higher numbers in white, black, and Hispanic communities. 

Females should not be exempt for being responsible even in their anger. I'm saying that females could and should also face legal repercussions (anger management class at the least, depending on the degree of injury and who threw the first blow) when their anger manifests itself as a physical act. I'm not condoning domestic violence, not from anyone - male or female. I've seen too many women sit in court, bail their significant others out of jail, and accompany them through the entire court proceedings - ever wonder why? I will venture to say that not all of these women are victims of domestic violence but participants in a domestic altercation that has turned physical. I know all about emotional abuse and that too is something that is exhibited equally both partners, if that relationship has deteriorated to that level.

I fully understand and agree with why domestic violence laws were enacted and I don't mean O.J. Simpson and Nicole Brown. From personal experience, I know that men can inflict significantly more damaging injuries on women than the other way around with just their hands. It is that physical difference in men and women that prompted laws to protect women in abusive or physical situations, because the playing field is not level. In general a woman can punch a man but it will not inflict the same amount of physical injury that a man would if he punches a woman in the same area of the body. Our bodies are made differently and we have strength in different areas. In self defense classes, pupils are taught to use elbows, fingers, feet, and legs to defend themselves against attackers because these areas of our bodies have more potential to inflict harm upon an assailant.

According to the results of the research conducted, "…ignoring the role women play in domestic violence does both women and men a disservice." I totally agree with this statement and it's about time that it's been said. I've sat in barbershop after barbershop with my son and heard men make this same gripe. I agreed with them then, and I agree now. It appears that per the researchers women who participate in repeated aggressive behavior also put themselves at risk for greater injury. These findings challenge feminist beliefs that only men cause violence. Deborah Capaldi of the Oregon Social Learning Center further commented that statistics of women who hit first or hit back are "much greater than has been generally assumed". Now as I believe this to be true, I also have a problem with the phrase "hit back". As a person, not just a woman, I can't stand to be hit and anyone that hits me is going to be hit back unless, I am in a rape or an assault situation in which I don't know my attacker. Is my thinking wrong or unrealistic? Does it put me in greater danger of getting my ass kicked? Probably is and probably does - but I'm not going to be hit and not fight back. 

The researchers in this article are calling for a re-evaluation of treatment programs nationwide. They are saying that such programs focus on men and totally ignore the woman's role. Personally, I don't think that a woman's role in a domestic violence situation is even explored. Men are ordered to attend anger management classes when it is probably best if both attend, as violence becomes a vicious cycle for both. I believe that it would be a positive thing for both to undergo anger management, perhaps together or separately if the format addresses gender-specific topics. I also think that some type of extra or special responsibility should be placed on the male because he is able to inflict more pain and suffering on the woman when weapons are not involved.

I'm not advocating violence in any fashion. Nor am I calling for a woman who gets her ass kicked on the daily to be prosecuted and made to attend anger management meetings along with an abusive lover. If you have an abusive lover - you need to leave him or her period - I did (it was a male, so don't go spreading the rumor that Bitterbitch is gay, cuz I'm not). Me writing this piece after reading the article brought back memories of a 4 year abusive relationship. Yes, I was verbally, physically, and emotionally abused. I needed help to get away. The legal system was of little help to me because if you can't find his ass, you can't have him appear in court for a restraining order hearing. Then after the relationship broke off there was my time being stalked, that lasted another year and a half. Ultimately, I had to leave the state. 

However, even with that history I am real enough to admit that going through that shit made me more abusive to partners that I had in future relationships both verbally and physically. I heard myself often times saying the same bullshit that was said to me. I found myself acting the same way that he acted towards me - breaking objects to intimidate him, etc. I asked myself how could I act this way when I didn't like it when it was done to me. For about a year I rationalized that because he was a guy that it was OK. But it wasn't because he was a human being that deserved respect just like I did. At the conclusion of the relationship, I sought out psychological help because I wanted to unlearn the behaviors that I had learned while I was being abused. I learned that the aggression that I would show towards him was because I was angry with the person who abused me but because I was afraid of him, I would re-direct my anger and rage at other men. So you can imagine the myriad of emotions that I felt reading this article. I interjected my personal story because I want you all to see that I know what it feels like to be on both sides. I know what it's like to abuse and be abused. Now, I'm not saying that dude that I used to go off was a punk, because he wasn't. But he was man enough restrain me when I did go off, and ultimately leave my ass alone so that I could get my shit together.

I know there are essentially good women out there that do this. The sad part is that women who behave like this can take a good man and make him treat us badly. I'm not saying that he is forced to retaliate physically, but sometimes it is self-defense. The law does not protect the abused adequately enough for me. I know how hard it is to get protection from an abusive lover, but I also know that society secretly laughs at a man that states that his female significant other is abusing him.

What I don't understand about the article is why the researchers were "surprised" about "female aggression". Women are stressed out just as much, if not more so, than males. Where as most males can somewhat relax once they come home from work or have some type of physical activity in which to channel their aggression, some women are not as lucky. After work comes the demands of the household, after the demands of the household, she then has to attend to the needs of her lover. When and where does she have time to attend to her own needs and wind down? This is not an excuse but a reality. I don't think men and children realize the challenge that mothers and wives face on a daily basis. The exhaustion and lack of personal time that we have to deal with, I am especially speaking for the black community where the Black Superwoman-nothings-wrong-with-me-let-me-sacrifice-myself-for-the-sake-of-my-family- and-not-complain-about-it-because-my-mother-didn't-complain syndrome is RAMPANT, and can cause anyone to become angry, resentful, depressed, and/or frustrated. I know cuz I'm one of them. I'll stop here but this article was so riveting and relevant to my experiences that I had to holla.

Bitter B

Released: August 5th, 2003

The views and opinions expressed herein by the author do not necessarily represent the opinions or position of Playahata.com.