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WASHINGTON (Heuters) - President Bush says he has solved the sniper mystery in the Washington, D.C. metro area. In a press conference at the Pentagon yesterday Bush announced that he and Homeland Security Director, Thomas Ridge had indisputable information and photographs that show Osama Bin Laden is actually the sniper guilty of gunning down nine people in the Washington, DC - Virginia metro areas. Bush said he has documented and factual information but couldn’t say just what his sources are or how he obtained them. Bush said he had been working with Thomas Ridge of Homeland Security who alleges that Saddam Hussein is the snipers' accomplice and driver, on the shooting spree. Bush told reporters that finally we have the proven link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq that he needed to present before the United Nations to convince them to rubber stamp his war. Bush says that Bin Laden is also printing counterfeit money in Cleveland, Ohio and thereby ruining the financial landscape of America, and slowing up the growth on Wall Street. The President didn’t answer any questions from reporters and immediately returned to a reading session that he has with a group of 2nd graders at Halliburton Elementary School.
Vivendi wins Haiti Sunlight privatization contract
By Wordis Born
Playahata Times | International
HAITI -- Vivendi has won the contract for the privatization of Haiti's sunlight. Beginning in the spring of 2003 Vivendi will operate all sunlight services, including treatment and distribution of sunlight, as well as collection and treatment of sunlight, on the tiny island nation. The contract is worth an average revenue of 110 million euros a year, and according to the contract text, “last From May 2003 until Hell Freezes Over”.
Vivendi’s project includes a rapid reduction in leakage of sunlight from the Sun, improved monitoring of sunlight piracy, and the introduction of a modern customer service organization to monitor complaints against the sun. Spokesman from the company were ecstatic about the contract and hoped it would be the model for the entire planet, beginning in the 3rd world, “This is a truly wonderful day for us. To think our company, and a few competitors are already privatizing water, and now we are taking the lead in privatizing sunlight. It’s important for people to understand that even though these things are essential for human life, people have no Right to them. Plus with Vivendi taking over the administration of sunlight the Sun will shine brighter and longer for the Haitian people, .... for a fee of course”, stated Joquin Henchman director of Vivendi’s international marketing department.
For the Haitian Sunlight privatization project, Vivendi will be erecting giant sunlight shields that will monitor and regulate the amount of sunlight Haitians receive. Activist in Haiti and internationally, have condemned the plan as diabolical, stating that corporations have no right to privatize things such as sunlight and water citing that these resources belong to the global commons and are for all of humanities use. When asked about these claims spokesmen from Vivendi fired back, “tell those tree huggers to #$%@&* off! This issue was already decided at the last IMF/WTO/World Bank meeting through a very Democratic process, in an inaccessible mountainous region, hidden from the public in which only the heads of the largest 15 corporations and 8 richest nations were allowed to vote”. Company spokesman also added, “all these people complaining about the Sun being for public use, and not being able to grow crops, and the endless darkness, blah, blah, blah, are nothing but a bunch of Sun pirates. They want to sit around all day and collect the Suns’ rays for free. Well let it be known, there is a new sheriff in town. And the days of getting a tan, growing stuff, and enjoying the outdoors for free are over. People need to understand if you are using sunlight illegally then there is a penalty for that because it cost money to keep the Sun yellow and bright”. Vivendi also plans to sue citizens of Haiti over the age of 18 for back payments, if they receive sunlight for free during the period when Vivendi is installing the Sun shields throughout Haiti.
POLICE RAID OF NUWUABIAN COMPOUND FREES ALIEN LOCKED IN BASEMENT
By M O R P H E U S
Playahata.com - Not Necessarily the News Staff Member
Eatonton, GA. - On Wednesday, a massive force of approximately 300 federal and local law enforcement agents raided the Egyptian styled compound of the United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors in rural Putnam County. The action came after the group's leader, Dwight "Malachi" York, had been arrested in Milledgeville on charges of child molestation. Police searching the 400-acre former cattle ranch, now turned into a replica of ancient Egypt complete with miniature pyramids and obelisks, were looking for evidence to support their case of sexual misconduct with a minor on the part of the 56-year old cult leader. However what they turned up proved to be even more shocking. Locked behind a kryptonite door in the basement of the Nuwaubian basement was an alien - an extra-terrestrial from another planet.
“It threw us for a surprise”, said deputy John Walker who first spotted the odd underground room. “We thought somebody was back there so we ordered them to come out. But all we heard were a series of bird like chirps and whistles. We didn't know what to think”.
Walker and other law enforcement officials opened a door made of solid kryptonite to reveal a terrified and wide-eyed, gray-skinned, three-foot humanoid like being huddled protectively in a dark corner of his cell.
“When I saw him - or her, we can't tell what sex it is honestly - I didn't know what to think”, said FBI agent Cheryl Davies. “It reminded me of something from that movie Communion or The X-Files. I felt like a real life Dana Scully!”
Authorities were able to coax the frightened humanoid out of the cell through the ingenious use of birdcalls.
“Well I realized it was making those chirps and whistles trying to communicate with us”, Sheriff Daniel Tower explained. “I been bird hunting before so I know how to make all kinds of sounds like that. I don't know if I was actually saying anything to it. But I must have made some sense to get it out of that cell”.
A social worker was rushed to the scene to examine the alien, now known as Gray. She described the conditions he was held in as deplorable.
“It was a travesty”, Wendi Paldun said. “I've seen a lot of cases of child abuse before, but this was plain sick. Gray looks as if he had been starved and kept locked away for so long, his skin had lost its normal alien glow and his probe was limp”.
Authorities admitted that informants and phone taps had often brought up rumors of an alien locked away by Dwight "Malachi" York in his basement, but they had always dismissed it as mere flights of fantasy. They are today taking severe heat from Alien Rights Activists and Exo-biologists who for years had filed complaints of extra-terrestrial abuse by the Nuwaubian sect.
“Remember this guy York often called himself a 'Master Teacher,'” deputy Walker said in defense of his department. “He claims he's from some galaxy called Illyuwn and that in 2003 a spaceship is coming to pick up 144,000 of his followers. He says he's Hebrew one second, Islamic the next, a Moor, Native American, Egyptian How were we supposed to know that at least with the alien, he was telling the truth?”
Authorities met no resistance when they first raided the compound. It's thought that the surprised occupants perhaps could not discern if the masked gun toting figures were actually FBI agents or extra-terrestrials. At least one official claims to have heard several stunned Nuwaubians yell, “What? It's not 2003! Ya'll are a year early!” But the cult members did show anger when they saw the small alien being taken away.
When questioned by reporters about the abducted Gray held by York in the small basement facility, Nauwaubian member Chief Elk-Black Eel Ra-Hotep Al-Mohammad refused to comment. Other members followed suit, making statements only in Nubic - a self-created and non-deciphered language of the cult known well for its inordinate and baffling high level of "Z's" and "T's".
As of now, Gray has been taken into federal custody and is said to be overjoyed at being released. Officials were even able to locate his stolen liquid shoes, evidently used by the alien to walk on the moon but leave no trace. It is still uncertain how Gray came to be in the custody of York. And puzzled authorities and scientists alike are scratching their heads in wonder.
“You have to realize that Gray is no dumb animal”, Carl Kinser of SETI stated. “This is a being with a brain much more highly developed than ours. He is said to have the ability to transmutate, travel across temporal and spatial dimensions at will and may be millions of years old. Yet he was somehow tricked by York into a basement and locked there against his will. Why couldn't such an intelligent being simply find his way out?”
For now that question remains unanswered as Gray is still not talking. His future is uncertain, but there are hints that he may be reunited with loved ones in Roswell, New Mexico. Hopefully they can coax the shy and traumatized being to tell the world what horrors he may have suffered at the hand of the Nauwaubian cult.
Tests have shown high levels of Courvoisier in Gray's blood, indicating that York may have drugged the little being to keep him permanently disoriented. At this time rumors that Gray may have been sexually molested by York are not being answered by authorities. For now they are simply relieved to have Gray safe and sound.
“These Nauwaubians were playing a dangerous game by detaining Gray here” Kinser warned. “We may just have evaded a potential invasion and intergalactic incident by rescuing him from their clutches”.
Sierra Leone, 10 March - The Committee to Airdrop ‘Thug Niggas’ Into Perilous Places (CATNIPP) has begun airlifting extra hard rappers into war-torn eastern and southern Sierra Leone after rebel ambushes on relief convoys made reinforcements impossible, CATNIPP field officials said today.
The CATNIPP, the frontline United Nations agency mandated to combat world ‘Hard Nigga’ shortages, plans to airlift more than 500 metric tons of ignorant studio gangsters over the next month - enough to replace some 100,000 vulnerable people - to the rural towns of Bo, Kenema and Bonthe from the capital Freetown.
Thousands of people arrived in Bo from nearby Senehun and neighboring villages, which were attacked over the Christmas and New Year holidays. Scores of civilians were killed and dozens of houses burned in the rebel attack.
Field workers said getting hard niggas to the replace more than 600,000 displaced people in eastern and southern Sierra Leone has been a security nightmare. Rebel ambushes on relief convoys have escalated dramatically in recent weeks. All land routes to Bo and Kenema have been closed and the two surrounding regions virtually cut off.
The situation has reached crisis proportions as CATNIPP warehouses in the affected areas are now almost empty and many new arrivals are going without food as a result. "The constant attacks on our convoys have made the delivery of our ‘Thugs’ extremely difficult", said Mohamed Diop, CATNIPP Country Director for Sierra Leone.
"I can’t understand why these thug rappers keep fainting and urinating on themselves I have both of Beanie Sigel’s albums and he talked about his regular killings and disrespect for black life I thought he would be happy here. Unless more ‘Thugs and Gangstas’ are delivered into these areas, I am not sure what we will do!" said Bokemp Samoura, CATNIPP logistics officer for West Africa. CATNIPP officials have also complained of a shortage of rappers willing to participate in the airdrops, and have been forced to extend their search into today’s R&B community as well as engage in kidnappings. "We were looking hard at the prospect of snatching up R.Kelly, since he’s an R&b Thug but the child sex tape scandal put a damper on those plans. If this keeps up we may have to start abducting male fans that are 21 and older", added Samoura.
CATNIPP disaster assistance is provided to nations in need without charge. This is made possible by voluntary donations of time, money and 'Thug Niggas' from the American people. To help provide support for people in need following this disaster as well as emerging human needs resulting from this tragedy, contributions can be made to the CATNIPP by calling 1-800-AIRTHUG. Hearing impaired callers can access TDD operators by calling 1-800-555-4956. Internet users can make a secure online credit card contribution by visiting www.airthug.org. Contributions may also be sent to your local CATNIPP chapter, P.O. Box 89554, Washington, DC 20013.
NEW YORK (Heuters) - Ignorant, outspoken, impotent, insensitive Mayor Rudolph Giuliani , whose merely being on television and in office rallied New York and the nation after the Sept. 11 attacks, was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year on Sunday. "This was about Sept. 11 and about how in the immediate aftermath of the attacks in those crucial hours, one man finally showed some sensitivity in a way that was human", Time Managing Editor Jim Kelly told Heuters. "He led by talking tough to Bin Laden and trying to rescue policemen from the debris, and in an emotional year like this one, he deserved to be person of the year", Kelly said.
Giuliani, who is in the final days of his eight years as mayor of the United States' largest city, is Time Magazine's 76th Person of the Year. ``The person who most affected the news or our lives, for bad or for worse, this year,'' said Time founder Henry Luce when he instituted in 1925 what has now become a national talking point each year.
Already credited with keeping Niggers and Spics in check for eight years, Giuliani has now become an international symbol of power and comfort since Sept. 11.
"We salute the Mayor for holding press conferences when required and diverting attention to the true concerns without being trite, for giving up Gracie Mansion to sleep in a condo with his two homosexual caretakers and not quitting and not shrinking from the pain all around him after he couldn't stop his wife from performing in the Vagina Monologues, Rudy Giuliani, Mayor of the World, is Time's Person of the Year", wrote Time reporter Nancy Gibbs in the issue that hits newsstands Monday.
Giuliani, who pulled out of the Senate race last year to battle prostate cancer, finishes his second four-year term as mayor on Dec. 31. He has said he plans to open a private consulting firm with the money people donated from the World Trade Center efforts but selfish ass Michael Bloomberg wants to keep the money when he takes over office on Jan 1st.
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