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Trina to Launch New Tea
Playahata Times | Business
Miami, Florida - Female Rapper Trina is set to release her first big business venture. Trina's new product is an herbal tea called "Sweet Juicy Vagina". At the press conference Trina appeared with Nelly, Team Lunatics, and her new spiritual advisor Benjamin (Chavis) Muhammad, Executive Director of the Hip-Hop Summit Action Network (HSN). In her press statement Trina thanked all of her supporters. Her statement read "I wanna thank the West Palm GED center and all the people there who support me. I want to thank Nelly for the idea, he showed me that this was a great way to make money and keep your name in the news when you don't have a new album out. The Lunatics confirmed there is a hidden relationship between controversy and album sales. I was advised to stay strong, and that no matter how negative the situation there is no such thing as bad publicity". Flanked by her spiritual advisor Benjamim Chavis, Trina said she was prepared for any protest from religious leaders. Chavis told BET that if any church or mosque activist like Najee Ali or Minister Paul Scott say anything that she will just give them some of her "Sweet Juicy Vagina" to make them quiet down. The Chief Executive Officer of 7-Eleven has announced that the convenience store chain will be the first to carry Trina's "Sweet Juicy Vagina", particularly in their stores located in urban markets. "You can't underestimate the bottom line here. The opportunity is terrific," Jim Keyes, CEO of 7-Eleven told USA Today.
2003 Labor Day Cancelled
By Gumby Dammitt
Playahata Times | National
Washington, D.C. - In a startling mid-day news conference, U.S. Secretary of Labor, Elaine L. Chao announced that due to the poor economy and rampant unemployment Labor Day would be cancelled this year. The Holiday, which generally marks the end of the summer, will bite the dust for the first time since it's inception in the year 1882. Said the Secretary Chao, "It's just been very bad the last couple of years. We kind of roughed it through most of 2001 and last year, but this year we just could do it. Not enough people are working." She then added, "I was sure the tax relief would get things rolling, but, oh well. I still have a job." The surprising turn of events didn't shock many Americans whether they were working or not. Said Israel St. James, an unemployed male from Newark, New Jersey, "I was wondering about Labor Day weekend this year, because last year when I had a job I went down to Myrtle Beach for the weekend activities and there just weren't a lot of people down there. The thongs were missing and everything…" He then paused and added, "I have been thinking about stripping just to pay some bills, ya'know?"
Chao took time to point out that there is hope that the President's upcoming economic stimulus plan will infuse new life into the employment scene nationally and thus the economy, before her assistant corrected her, stating that plan was actually for Iraq. The President took the time during a press conference in the White House rose garden to address the cancellation of the holiday as well. "Well it's simple," President Bush began with his trademark half-smile. "We need MORE wealthy people. It's those poor Americans that aren't doing their jobs that aren't working. They need to get up and get some of this money that we got flowing around here. There's plenty of work for all of us, but they have got to be willing to do the shit jobs or they'll continue to go to the Latino immigrants."
U.S. troops hunted Saddam Hussein on August 1, 2003 armed with new pictures of how he might look in disguise, as a fresh audiotape purportedly made by the fugitive dictator urged Iraqis to drive out foreign troops. "Only the actions of the faithful who struggled and fought can evict the invaders," said the taped message aired on Al-Jazeera television and BET. "God will grant us victory".
Altered images of what Saddam may look like today were released by U.S. Central Command and are seen in this composite photo (below). (U.S.Centcom/Reuters) George Bush said that Saddam is "evil and a meanie" and most likely will not stray far from that in his new disguise. Condolezza Rice said we must remain vigilant and be on the lookout for "Bad Boys" and Bush added that Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are not yet suspects but the investigation is still in its early phase.
NEW YORK (AP) - Rapper 50 Cent has just released a new album "Keep it real & Kill some Niggas". Industry Insiders were at odds over the belief ,as to whether or not that 50 Cent could duplicate the success of "Get Rich or Die Trying" however the rappers newest efforts at Pimping Black Death is selling faster than retailers can bring in the shipments.
“Keep it real & Kill Some Niggas” has sold a staggering 6.4 million units in just under two days. At this pace Billboard officials think that Michael Jackson’s Thriller which sold 43 million units Worldwide will be shattered. Interscope/Shadyrecords which distributes 50-Cent said they shipped 15 million units to China and that every continent is calling for a minimum of 3 million units. 50-Cent said they plan to spice up the variety for different continents by producing album covers with him pointing guns and holding bats. 50-Cent hopes to capitalize on the incarceration of G Unit member Tony Yayo who is currently in New York's Riker's Island prison serving an 18-month-to-three-year sentence for gun possession. 50-Cent said "the more photos we take of him in jail the better his album will do."
Mario Cum, who serves as the chairman of the board for PPP-Unit. The leading contractor in the North East of prison industrial complexes said he is so ecstatic with 50’s success that he plans to pay for the Queens, rappers next tour, out of his own pocket.
(Playahata News) Maryland - Pentagon Press
corps members were treated to a display today of Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld’s “sweet feet” as the official "Crip-walked" out to the
podium for a press conference this afternoon.
Rumsfeld then flashed his signature, ‘I know so much shit I’m not
telling you’ smile, tossed up his right hand, fingers formed into a W and
shouted “West SIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!” The
move elicited both unabashed and uneasy laughter from press corps members.
“I see you all are feeling my footwork” Rumsfeld then joked.
“I’ve been practicing my C-Walking skills with WC himself.” Joint Chiefs Chairman General Myers simply flicked his nose
with his thumb whilst staring down a single reporter in the second row.
While there was much talk about the “Shock and Awe” campaign which
besieged Baghdad recently, Rumsfeld continued to make light of the situation, at
one point even interrupting the press conference to groove to Fifty Cent’s “P.I.M.P.” When one female reporter asked Rumsfeld if his behavior at
the press conference during this time of war was appropriate, Rumsfeld simply
waved her off. His reply, “Bitch
please. I’ve got this.”
Rumsfeld struts his fancy footwork at press conference.
Rumsfeld went on to state that U.S. and Coalition Forces were preparing for their next campaign, which has been titled Operation: Crip-Walk through Baghdad. Rumsfeld stated that key members of Los Angeles area gang members had been imbedded with each military unit to assure that soldiers could carry out the complicated set of moves necessary for the op. General Myers then drew attention to a monitor to his left, which ran footage of a platoon of soldiers C-walking behind a string of Abrams tanks. He explained that this footage was part of Operation Crip-Walk TO Baghdad, which is the predecessor to the aforementioned operation. Press corps members were puzzled by the majority of the Defense Secretary’s presentation. One reporter, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that he might lose his seat in the corps riffed, “That was the most absurd thing I’ve ever witnessed in my twenty-five years as a journalist. Okay, I’ll admit, I laughed when he came out doing the Crip-Walk, but stopping the press conference to pump Fifty Cent? I mean, isn’t that guy a criminal or something?” Another reporter added, “I’m so confused. Is Rumsfeld coming out of the thug closet? But he’s a government official. We’re a democracy still, right? I don’t understand.” Clearly Rumsfeld had much if not all of the press members on their heels and he was enjoying every minute of it. Meanwhile General Myers returned his steely Air Force gaze to the singular reporter in the second row, appearing to at one point mouth the words, ‘I will eat your heart’.
Rumsfeld then looked at his watch and gulped down the remainder of what appeared to be a scotch on the rocks. Rumsfeld then stated that he would take no more questions as he was preparing to leave for Camp David to join President George W. Bush for an indoor “Bikini and Coke” party. He then abruptly left the podium, leaving Joint Chiefs Chairman General Myers to close out the press conference. The remainder of the session was filled with an uncomfortable silence and an uneasy staring match, which ended when the targeted reporter hurriedly rose from his seat and scrambled from the auditorium. General Myers then spun on his heel and walked from the podium. I managed to fling a question in his direction before he disappeared into the corridors of the Pentagon. I asked the General how he felt about Rumsfeld’s choice of music during the press conference. He glared back at me and blandly replied, “I would have chosen ‘Bombs Over Baghdad’ by OUTKAST myself.”
-GumbyDammit sat in
with the Pentagon’s Press Corps, although uninvited, and NO he did not have to
disguise himself as a bumbling, bucktoothed janitor with a Jeri
curl in order to pull it off. Kudos
to Gumby.
The National Organization for Women (NOW) called for a Boycott of all products endorsed by Serena Williams. NOW President, Kim Candy, said that Avon, Wrigley and Reebok would face a boycott unless they publicly reprimanded the tennis star for her pose on the cover of Sports Illustrated and had her make an apology. NOW organizers said "she set black women back 100 years". Candy said "Serena's pose is innocent yet totally seductive. Why does she have to wear virginal white to contrast with her flawless skin and her exceptional body. We want a sisterhood but not with women like Serena who exploit their talents." When reporters asked if they were also going to boycott Sports Illustrated. Candy said the media is missing the point of the demonstration. Candy said "Right now we are locked in a struggle to get the new affirmative action girls and lead them in the right direction. It's not about race, it never is. We are supporting Carol Mosley Braun's White House run for 2004. She is the type of woman we can support not misogynous Serena". Moseley-Braun is the first-ever—and to date, only—African American woman in the U.S. Senate. "She is pioneering again as the only woman considering the 2004 race for the White House," Candy said. "She would be the first African American woman to make a presidential bid since Shirley Chisholm in 1972." When asked when the Boycott would start Candy posted a politically correct date of March 1st because Black History month would be over. The group is gearing up now for the protest. Williams was contacted about the brewing protest and said that she was proud of the cover and would not apologize but would serve as spokesperson for NOW's new WATCH OUT & LISTEN UP, Feminist Super Bowl AdWatch. Reports say Candy was ecstatic with Serena's suggestion but would not make a decision on the Boycott until March 1ST. (Remember, this is only a satire)
Strom Thurmond, in an unprecedented press conference today,
revealed that he is, indeed, the actor who played the role of the “scary old
white man” to children throughout the 80’s in the popular Poltergeist film
series sequel. “That was me walking around singing ‘God is in his holy temple’”
said Thurmond, on Friday. “I was so into that role. It was so . . . so . . . me.
But I never dreamt that I would someday actually look like that guy. All of that
was makeup but now, I don’t need any. I am ready to return to my role.” A proud
father and politician, Thurmond revealed that his true love is cinema and that
Hollywood has always been his favorite place. Birth of a Nation, Moses,
Powder, --- “you name it, I’ve loved it” said Thurmond. Although his love for
films dealing with struggle, survival and the quest for power have been prominent throughout
Thurmond’s life, it was the “crazy old white man” scene that served as the apex
of his film career, so he left it and went back into politics where his life
could imitate his art, instead. Health officials are unsure as to whether or
not Thurmond will be able to return to acting on the silver screen but they
remain hopeful.
Whitney Houston appeared on Primetime with Diane Sawyer and garnered
the networks highest ratings since the Super Bowl. Whitney was candid with
her in depth and detailed one to three word responses before her
husband, Bobby Brown - The King of R&B, appeared. Bobby Brown came out of the couples in
house re-cording studio sweating and drunk. Brown was likely practicing some new dance moves
or recording for his new album called "I found my Drivers License" which
is guaranteed to go triple platinum. He briefly interrupted the interview
and warned the viewers of how the police can put cocaine in your urine
samples. Whitney was allowed to speak when Bobby said it was ok and then
the interview continued. Whitney answered all the silly rumors for
instance she explained that her frail figure was not the result of crack but
poor eating habits, since she had to fire the cook when she realized that
the cook was trying to sleep with her R&B Pioneer husband, and the cook also
had prepared some very hot foods that had discolored Bobby's lips. Houston
warned viewers that crack is for POOR PEOPLE and therefore she would never
use it. Besides she is too busy having sex now since she never really had a
chance to have a ordinary teen life, although she has partied a few times and done
a few drugs. However, Houston warned that nasty rumors of her death have
caused her to quit her odd behavior and show the world everything is cool.
She will be back making her touring dates once her 4 month old soar throat
heals.
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