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July/August Satire

White House Staff Pose for Poster at NBC Rubs Many Americans Wrong 

By Ooh Papi, Staff Writer AP (Associated Playahatas)

While most of the nation was out celebrating the 4th of July last week. NBC hosted some of the White Houses most familiar faces in George Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice. The big three not only agreed to come in to MAD TV studios but they performed a 6 minute skit called “Pirates of the Presidency”.

June Satire

Isaiah Washington Speaks Out About Firing
June 15th, 2007
by Ooh Papi, E-Offline! Correspondent

Holding a press conference in west Hollywood's red light district. Isaiah Washington has broken his silence about being fired from Grey's Anatomy.

"I'm saddened by the outcome," Washington, 43, tells Out Magazine. "I did everything that the producers and the network asked me to do. I came back under great duress and stress, and thought I was doing the job I was hired to do." I gave the gay and lesbian activist my personal cell phone number and was on call for there bidding.”

Washington learned last week that the network would not renew his option for season four. At the time he issued a statement through his publicist saying: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more."

"[Grey's creator] Shonda Rhimes called me on Thursday of last week and told me that I would not be returning to the show," Washington says. "Just like she personally called me and invited me to the show. It was full circle."

I asked the dirty hoe, why did she send me to anger management if she was going to fire me. She said the “Gay Boule” was all powerful and it was out of her control, if she wanted to keep writing in Hollywood after Grey’s Anatomy was over, she said you said the F word which is more damning than the N word, it’s a step above anything that could be considered anti Semitic. The White House told Homeland Security Director, Ridge that Washington's behavior had made him a liability and a National security threat.

Washington tells Out Magazine he hasn't heard from many of his costars. "The Gay Boule has not made it safe to talk to me yet. I called Elton John to see if he could call his friends and have them lift the ban on me."

Washington first came under fire last fall after getting into an altercation with Patrick Dempsey, during which he allegedly referred to castmate T.R. Knight with a homophobic slur. He later apologized, checked into anger rehab, met with gay leaders and released a PSA decrying the use of hate speech, accepted porn roles as a gay male, appeared in 3 gay parades in NY, San Francisco and Los Angeles, divorced his wife, started hanging with Eddie Murphy and Johnny Gill. Arm wrestled with Sisqo, went on vacation with Ricky Martin, did Karaoke to the “Best of George Michael” hits with Rosie O Donell.

Asked if he's still on good terms with Knight, Washington says: "I don't know. You have to ask that faggot."

Washington, whose character broke up with his fiancée, Christina Yang (Sandra Oh) and moved out of their apartment last season, says he doesn't expect to be asked to return for a cameo on Grey's. "If Shonda calls me and says, 'Look we want you to do something for Grey's Anatomy,' I probably would not hesitate. But I don't really see that happening."

Washington is now working on an indie thriller, “I dropped the soap on Purpose”, and he isn't dwelling on whether the firing will affect his career. "I can only apologize so many times," he says. "I can only accept so much responsibility. All the players involved have taken care of what we needed to take care of in-house – and the media took it in a different direction. I hope that everyone is happy for the outcome for Isaiah, but Isaiah will go on and do what I love to do."

May Satire

Michael Ray Richardson joins NASCAR after being kicked out of Pro Basketball
May 2nd, 2007
by Ooh Papi, ESPN3 Sports Correspondent

The Albany Patroons didn't renew Michael Ray Richardson's coaching contract following his suspension for alleged anti-Jewish remarks. The former NBA superstar player was suspended for the team's last two Continental Basketball Association playoff games on April 28, a day after he told the Times Union of Albany that " I've got big-time lawyers. I've got big-time Jew lawyers". Richardson went on to say, "The Jews got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean? Which I think is great," Richardson clarified. "I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. If you look in most professional sports, they're run by crafty Jewish people. If you look at a lot of successful corporations and stuff, they're run by Jewish (people). It's not a diss but they lock it down."

"After the comments Patroons general manager James Coyne said Wednesday. ”We pretty much agreed earlier on he wouldn't be coming back to the CBA or any Basketball league." However, Richardson's lawyer said the suspension has put his client's entire career in jeopardy, including other coaching opportunities." Now all the sudden he gets his contract canceled," attorney John Aretakis said. "Now he's labeled the rest of his life as anti-Semitic, and he's not, he can’t ever work again" Aretakis said. "He's got two kids who are being raised Jewish. He's got an ex-wife who is Jewish. His dog only eats kosher meats."

Richardson has now turned to race car driving after rapper Nelly decided to sponsor him as a driver to race NASCAR,. The car called the Hebrew Hizzoner is sponsored by Nelly and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and has reached speeds of up to 200 Kilometers an hour when driven by remote control. “My NASCAR car is what’s up now but people will probably find fault in that too, why don’t they just stop sweating me? Aint no Jews in NASCAR so I guess there won’t be any controversy with me there, it was the only job I could get.”

Richardson was the fourth overall pick in the 1978 draft. He joined the NBA out of Montana and played eight seasons with the New York Knicks, Golden State Warriors and New Jersey Nets. His NBA career ended because of drug use in 1986, when Commissioner David Stern banned Richardson for life after he violated the league's drug policy three times.

After weeks of speculation the mother of Ohio State star basketball players, Greg Oden recently admitted that he is actually 30. According to Mary Oden, the mother of the Ohio State star, Greg Oden was actually born in the Dominican Republic and planned to play baseball but when he kept growing, they decided basketball would be his best bet. Mary now admits to NCAA Commissioner Peter Stern Uberoth that his real birth certificate shows he was born in 1977 not 1989. Mary says she agreed to hide his real age until he got to play in the Final Four which was always a dream of his, and that since it was his first time in college, there should be no problem and it was all legal.

Oden's teammates and coaches at Ohio State were less surprised. When notified of the revelation Ohio State head coach Thad Matta, was quoted as saying "I thought it was unusual for an eighteen year old to miss practice because he had an afternoon Parent-Teacher's conference for his son at the local high school, but you just kind of gloss over those things when the team is rolling." An unidentified teammate recalled his suspicions when he first met Oden, recounting "I remember when he first hit campus. He had a lot of stuff.  I helped him carry some of it to his room and a picture of him and "El Duque" fell out of his wallet. They were wearing the same baseball uniform, man!" Another teammate recalled how Oden would often cut his stories recounting his childhood short abruptly when he realized most of the things he referred to happened before many of his teammates were born. 

The admission comes as most basketball commentators are still speculating when the freshman 7’2 center was going to go pro and just one week after Oden's Ohio State team lost to Florida in the National Championship game. With the admission there is no longer much concern about the NBA's minimum age rules which require a player to be at least 19, and at least one year out of high school before entering the NBA. Now commentators and GMs are scrambling and trying to decide how valuable a star college player who will be 40 in less than a decade is to their team.

WASHINGTON - Last week, Illinois Senator and Presidential hopeful Barrack Obama, secretly took, and failed the Black Aptitude Test. The results of the BAT, which are rarely publicized and are administered by a select group of "Black leaders", revealed a lack of understanding of basic staples of African American culture. Many whom have been skeptical of Obama's blackness since he threw in his hat for the 08' election say that this is undisputable proof that Obama is not "down".

"He couldn't even recite the lyrics to LaDi DaDi", said an outraged Paul Jenkins, former executive director of the Congressional Black Caucus. "What kinda Negro doesn't know the words to LaDi DaDi?"

After taking their cue from the corporate press, Obama's lack of a traditional African American upbringing has begun to be questioned in recent weeks by Black leaders leery of his intentions. Obama was born to a Kenyan father and white Kansan mother, and reared in Hawaii and Indonesia. Many question whether the fact that Obama is biracial, and not a descendent of American slaves makes him qualified to represent the interests of Black people.

Obama's name was raised at the State of the Black Union, a gathering of some 10,000 in Hampton, Va. Top Black scholars, intellectuals, civil rights leaders and opinion makers were present. Princeton professor Cornel West took Obama to task for not attending. West also criticized Obama's decision to announce his candidacy that day in front of the Illinois statehouse where Abraham Lincoln began his political career.

The BAT consists of a multitude of questions covering the spectrum of the black experience, including history, music, literature, sports, and oddly enough, beverages, a category in which Obama scored quite poorly.

"This man has never even heard of Tahitian Treat! He doesn't know what Quarter Waters are! He doesn't know the 15 flavors of Alize, including Purple Pineapple. He's never even drank Hennessy." said South Carolina state Sen. Robert Ford. "Is this really a man that we want representing our interests?"

Obama, who scored a 67 out of a possible 100 points, barely failed the test, but this was of no consolation to those who administered it. A further statistical analysis of the test showed that while Obama did especially well in the areas of literature, history, politics, and aced the essay portion, his Achilles heel was a lack of knowledge of basic popular culture.

"Don Cornelius. Heather Hunter. Gregory Abbott. Colonel Abrams. Taimak." repeated Ford. "These are all great names synonymous with the Black experience, and he couldn't identify who a single one of these people were. He’s never heard of Taimak. This man has never seen The Last Dragon. Can we really consider him a serious candidate?"

Earl Simmons, better known to millions of people as DMX, received his official Guinness Book of World Records certificate today for the most times arrested in one calendar year. DMX was arrested once again on Friday (February 2) in his hometown of Yonkers, NY for a driving related infraction. After he ran a red light, police found him to be driving with a suspended license. His arrest record over a 365 day span is now 132 beating the previous record of 131 held by Al Sharpton, which were all civil disobedience related.

100 of the 132 arrest for Simmons are motor vehicle infractions. He is due in court on February 14 to answer to this latest charge. In January, DMX promised a White Plains, NY judge that he would be present in court on March 6 for a pretrial hearing related to another driving related arrest. After missing two court dates for that case in 2006, he was held overnight at the Westchester County Jail before posting $25,000 bail. 

DMX was aware that he was closing in on the record and was not surprised when Guinness greeted him outside the courthouse. DMX took the time with the press to announce he was launching two separate clothing lines this week, DMX Authentic and the Earl Simmons Signature Collection. Initial product offerings from the lines will be limited to graphic t-shirts, however plans are underway for denims, leathers, camouflage, cotton and knits for both men and women. The overall look of the lines has been described as “no frills, utilitarian” and “basic with an edge.” The graphic t-shirts, scheduled to hit stores on February 9, will feature images that communicate DMX’s interests, such as cars, music and his pitbulls. The DMX Authentic line will offer basic pieces, while The Earl Simmons Signature Collection will offer higher-end specialty items.

On the cover of Vibe Magazine's December issue,  Eminem and 50-Cent talk candidly as their real life personas Marshall Mathers and Curtis Jackson. The two talk about the good, as well as there recent tough times and how they nearly severed their business relationships after their offspring had an awful moment with each other. Instead they matured and decided as business moguls they could overcome anything. They decided that they were too much alike to stay apart.

What could the beefy black kid with the ruthless streak and the scrawny white kid who seems to be sinking into himself have in common? What are they doing together?

 It was just five years ago, before Marshall “Eminem” Mathers of Detroit, Mich., reached out to Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson III of Queens, N.Y., and offered him a record deal; the two were strangers, familiar to each other only through recorded music. But now they’re thick as thieves and colleagues, who collectively embody rap's still social potential to cross lines of race and class.

50 attended Em’s wedding; at birthdays and Christmas, Eminem gives 50 original drawings. Each relies on the other for counsel, both personal and professional. They’re both fathers with young children (50’s son Marquise is 10, as is Em’s daughter, Hailie; Em is also guardian of 50’s niece Alaina, 13). Both men run mini-empires and often the kids are left alone with each other unsupervised.

Em said “the kids playing together was a problem for a long time” cause “Marquise is like a shadowy pit-bull with a bulletproof vest on, he’s really savage, he just does stuff without thinking". As Eminem recounts in the magazine, "the day Hailie said Marquise rubbed her private parts with his platinum and diamond encrusted cell phone was a test of me and Fifty’s friendship".

Eminem continued, "initially I wanted to beat the hell out or Marquise but 50 explained the bigger picture to me and said 'yo stop tripping man, these are Hip-hop kids, how we going to beef over some dumb stuff like that, it’s like you got Hailie running around all pretty looking in a short tight dress and my son isn’t supposed to want none of that? Plus lil' Hailie got that good hair and you know my son is weak for that kind of hair. Plus you know my little man got the magic stick just like daddy? Didn't you see the little Pimp cup and cane set he came over with. C’mon man I ain’t raising no sissies! I taught him to be aggressive. What, he's supposed to just hold his penis in his hand and not try to hit that. If he didn’t try to blaze her I would be mad with him and he knows that". 

After some thought Eminem says he concluded that 50 was right and realized, Marquise's actions were not about any disrespect, saying "this was like the hood talking to us through our offspring, we have money now but it has not always been that way so we teach our kids to take control of your destiny. 50 warned, “We aint get rich acting like no biches as Eminem agreed, it’s all business anyway never personal.”

 

*Past satires can be found under the Directory Link below*

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